Saturday, March 14, 2009

Same Pee; Twice The Fun!

I let the dog out on his lead this morning. For whatever reason, he sometimes doesn't actually GO when he goes out on the lead. He will go if I'm standing next to him but that totally defeats the point of having a lead in the first place.

At any rate, I let him out and proceeded to make breakfast. I looked out at one point and saw him going #2. A few minutes later he started barking like an idiot. I looked out to seem him totally confused because he didn't know how to walk around the tree he was stuck on to un-free himself. So I put my shoes on, cursing all the way, and grabbed him and walked him around the tree. He voluntarily followed me backed to the house. I unhooked him and let him in. I had just took a bite of my breakfast and then realized he was peeing on the tile! He had just spent the last 15 minutes outside and never occurred to him to maybe go then.

With my mouth still filled with food I ran at him screaming. HOOY! STOOP! Yu ooss!

I looked at the puddle and the paper towels in the kitchen and could tell there was about 200 squares to little to help me clean up. So I decided to go downstairs in the basement first to get a new roll. As soon as I got in the basement however, I got even more angry....

There was freaking pee falling from the ceiling onto the carpet in the basement! Gah! Just when I think the dog has found the most annoying way to pee somewhere, he one-ups himself. I had to clean the same pee on two different floors! Damn dog.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I christened the car yesterday

I'm not normally one for breakfast nor fast food but about two or three times a year I get in the car to go to work and realize I'm either going to need to get some breakfast or take the day off work, go home, and eat. I always opt for fast food breakfast. My two breakfasts of choice are either McDonald's burritos (either the old school or the new McSkillet ones) or the BK Croiswich. Honestly though, I've tried the new BK and Wendy's burritos and they are both excellent too.

When I have my burritos I really prefer to put hot sauce on them. Honestly, I may like the hot sauce more then the burrito. The burrito is merely the method of hot sauce transmission.

But when you are driving at 75 mph, hot sauce application usually isn't the best idea. Sometimes I just do without. Yesterday though, I just waited until I got off the highway.

I was going along just fine until I gave the hot sauce packet a little too hard of a squeeze. The sauce actually arced through the air. It was pretty amazing. It landed on the door. Fortunately it only hit the plastic part and not the upholstery nor my pants.

I guess that story isn't so funny but I felt compelled to write about it for some reason.

The end.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I finally got pulled over!

Its amazing the cops didn't catch up to me sooner. After all the blown red lights, the thousands of miles logged at excessive speeds, and that one reckless driving/road rage/vehicular manslaughter/jaywalking incident, they finally decided to pull me over and give everything a look-see.

Of course, this time I actually wasn't in error. No, seriously. I actually didn't do anything wrong. I know that's what everyone says on Cops, but I swear it! This is how it all went down:

First of all, I need to mention I bought a car last Friday. 2005 Honda Civic, yadda yadda. That's all that's important to this story.

So I was driving home from work down Cottage Grove. I turned onto South Chicago and I kinda took a little liberty with the left turn arrow but everyone does. So what if its in front of the police station. That's how we ROLL in the ghetto.

Once I finished my turn I notice a cop parked right there. As soon as I passed him he pulled into the street but slowly. I had gone 3-4 blocks before he caught up to me and he took his time getting there. Still, I felt something was amiss. We stopped at a light and as soon as it turned green the lights came on. I pulled over....for the very first time. I was honestly a little curious as to what I did wrong.

He walked up to the car, gave me a quick look, and (I now believe) decided I wasn't going to shoot him and then asked me to get out of the car. My first thought was that this was no good. Cops being my real only frame of reference I know that when you are asked to get out of the car its usually followed by some part of your face touching some part of your car.

Instead he asked me to walk to the back of the car where we proceeded to play quiz-time-under-pressure. In case you were wondering, the cop was the host and I was the contestant they snagged off the street in front of the studio, hustled through make-up, and pushed out onto the stage all the while still holding his Border's and Best Buy shopping bags.

"What's the date today?"
"Uhhh...the 9th?"
"No. The 10th."
"Oh. Ok." (Guess I didn't win the new motor scooter.)
"And what does that say?" (pointing to my temp sticker)
"3...19...2009." (I know I got this one right! Let's advance to the final round!)
"Yep. And what does this say?" (Temp sticker again.)
"Illinois Seven Day Permit"... Let's see...19-7=12. doh!
"Where did you get this permit?"
"That's what the dealer gave me."
"Ok. Get back in the car. License and proof of insurance. Do you have paperwork on the car?"
...

And we went from there. He checked everything out and then came back and told me to go to the dealer and have them give me a new permit. Turns out Mr. Hot Stuff in the dealer's sales office can't just put down any arbitrary number he feels like. Who woulda thought?!

In the end he just let me go without so much as a warning. It was pretty obvious I was just a dumb white dude who just put the sticker up like he was told. I called the dealer today and left a message with Used Car Manager "Bobby"...if that's his real name. His picture on their moderately professional website actually bobbles unlike all the other pictures which leave me slightly dubious. I don't expect a call back. Unfortunately for them, I'm now putting their name on the interwebs for all to see! I went from:

"I got a great deal from Ed Napleton Honda in Oak Lawn and am very happy with my new car! Thanks Ed Napleton!"

to

"I got a great deal from Ed Napleton Honda in Oak Lawn and was very happy with my new car until I got pulled over by the police! Thanks Ed Napleton!"

Boom Shakalaka